Mullins Family News Headlines:
"Toddler excels in preschool environment, Mother cries herself to sleep."

That pretty much says it all, but I suppose I can elaborate a little. We had a special breakfast for Mimi this morning, and she was SO excited for her big day at preschool. Once we got there, it was hard to get her to give us a hug goodbye, she kept pointing at things saying "I need to go do that right now!" Jeff picked her up this afternoon, and the teacher said she did "fantastic," which is now also Amelia's favorite word for the day. She stuck close by the teachers for the first half, then branched out on her own and made some friends. When I asked her whether the assistant said anything to her today, she spoke in a loud, direct whisper-- "Be quiet!" Somehow it's nice to know I'm not the only one... I greeted her at home with a Big Girl bouquet which she dragged around proudly until nap time.

As for me, I was so proud of Amelia, yet caught off guard by feelings of... devastation? This whole preschool thing has been a giant mixed bag from the beginning. I hadn't ever considered sending her before the age of four, and even then I wasn't sure I wanted her to be away from me at such a young age. Alas, so many of the things that I had imagined for my experience as a mother have turned out otherwise. I had wanted to have another child by now. I had wanted to have plenty of energy to spend on those children. I had wanted to be very healthy, not tired and sick. (See this post for more details.) Things haven't turned out that way, and it's necessary to move on-- but now and then I am blindsided by grief over these losses. In the meantime, Jeff's parents are once again taking care of us in incredible ways, and offered to sponsor her through preschool for a year in order to give me the opportunity to rest and recover, and for Amelia to have some great experiences and become more independent. We are completely pleased with the opportunity. But I still came home and cried a lot. And then I took a nice, long nap-- proving that this is working already!