Real Housekeeping

--Kitchen Floors--
Step 1. Thoroughly sweep tiled kitchen floor. Twice.
Step 2. Spray floor with light layer of cleaning spray.
Step 3. Apparently inflict cruel and unusual punishment on your four year old by asking her to "go around, not through" the kitchen for the next half hour.
Step 4. Fill bucket with hot water, and mop the floor. Realize that you used way too much soap and that you will have to rinse again and again.
Step 5. Rinse again and again.
Step 6. Walk out of the room backwards, erasing your steps with the mop, and wait....
Step 7. Tip toe back in on damp floors to make lunch for your "Super, SUPER huuuuungryyy" little girl.
Step 8. Underestimate your own strength while opening a bag of rice, sending it flying all over the kitchen floor.
Step 9. Turn around to see a child standing in the doorway with eyebrows raised, looking totally unimpressed...
Step 10. Briefly consider getting cranky. Laugh instead. Sweep, then make that kid some lunch!

A Parenting Reflection

Yesterday, Amelia's classroom was visited by "Uncle Steve" and his collection of reptiles. There were snakes, chameleons and some other reptiles. One of the snakes was 10 ft. long. Amelia was pretty scared, and was held by a grown up the whole time, but couldn't stop talking about all of the animals and Uncle Steve all the way home. She also talked to Papa all about it at dinner, describing the snakes and chameleon and telling us what Uncle Steve said to her: "It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. Don't be scared, don't be scared." She had a happy afternoon and evening, and then trotted off to bed.

I was very happy to see Amelia so cheerful and my biggest goal for the day was to get to bed at 9:00-- I've been sick for a while, and sleep hasn't been as good as it should be. So when Mimi started crying after a little while, Jeff and I both got a little tense. Jeff went up there and comforted her, then came back downstairs. She started crying again, so it was my turn. She was complaining about the noises she heard in her room, and kept saying that she was having a hard time. I talked about our noisy world and laid down with her for a long time. She was OK when I left, but began crying five minutes later. I was so tired and beginning to feel frustrated-- and trying to brace myself for a very long night. Then I remembered about the "creature feature" at school, and that it had been scary for her, even though she had seemed fine for the rest of the day.

I realized that there were probably some genuine fears that needed to be addressed. This time Jeff went upstairs, and instead of trying to get her back to sleep, he got her up and talked about the snakes and "Uncle Steve." It came out that she didn't know where the snakes were now, that maybe they were somehow in her room. She and Jeff talked about where they were kept, and he assured her that they were in a box at Uncle Steve's house now. After that, she went right to sleep. She woke up once, crying and saying that she was scared, but was easily soothed and slept all night after that.

It's easy for me to slip into thinking my child is just being difficult, for no good reason. Of course, this attitude doesn't work for either of us. I am always glad when I stop and try to see things from her point of view and have real compassion. When I imagine what she is thinking or feeling, I can't feel very frustrated with her for her behavior. It is not easy being a toddler, as cushy as the job description may look! It must be so confusing and frightening to not have a full understanding of how the world works. She had just been introduced to all of these weird creatures-- if they can get into her classroom, what is keeping them out of her dark room at night? It felt so good last night to be successful in our attempts to help her through the experience, to give her some assurance and closure about her fears. I am reminded to keep her perspective in mind, and to just try to understand her when I feel frustrated. I needed that.

Mullins Family News Headlines:
"Toddler excels in preschool environment, Mother cries herself to sleep."

That pretty much says it all, but I suppose I can elaborate a little. We had a special breakfast for Mimi this morning, and she was SO excited for her big day at preschool. Once we got there, it was hard to get her to give us a hug goodbye, she kept pointing at things saying "I need to go do that right now!" Jeff picked her up this afternoon, and the teacher said she did "fantastic," which is now also Amelia's favorite word for the day. She stuck close by the teachers for the first half, then branched out on her own and made some friends. When I asked her whether the assistant said anything to her today, she spoke in a loud, direct whisper-- "Be quiet!" Somehow it's nice to know I'm not the only one... I greeted her at home with a Big Girl bouquet which she dragged around proudly until nap time.

As for me, I was so proud of Amelia, yet caught off guard by feelings of... devastation? This whole preschool thing has been a giant mixed bag from the beginning. I hadn't ever considered sending her before the age of four, and even then I wasn't sure I wanted her to be away from me at such a young age. Alas, so many of the things that I had imagined for my experience as a mother have turned out otherwise. I had wanted to have another child by now. I had wanted to have plenty of energy to spend on those children. I had wanted to be very healthy, not tired and sick. (See this post for more details.) Things haven't turned out that way, and it's necessary to move on-- but now and then I am blindsided by grief over these losses. In the meantime, Jeff's parents are once again taking care of us in incredible ways, and offered to sponsor her through preschool for a year in order to give me the opportunity to rest and recover, and for Amelia to have some great experiences and become more independent. We are completely pleased with the opportunity. But I still came home and cried a lot. And then I took a nice, long nap-- proving that this is working already!

"It" Happens...

I had no idea I would be due for another Most Embarassing Moment so soon. And it wasn't even last night when we were eating out-- Amelia was yelling at our server while she was with another table, "HEY LAAAADY! I'M HUUUNGRYYYY!" That was embarrassing, but not too bad.

I was having one of those days today-- hoping I wouldn't run into anyone I know, just trying to fly below the radar while letting Amelia get out of the house. We went to our favorite kids consignment store, where I let her wander around and play while I was looking through things. There were a lot of ladies there, and I heard one of them, laughing, say "Hey, where's your mom?" Of course I identified myself right away and asked what was going on. She said Amelia had lost her pants. No big deal, but it's not really like her to just take them off for no reason. Then Amelia walked around the corner with her pants around her ankles, beaming. "I pooped!" Oh, no you didn't! Oh, yes,she did! She had made her not-so-little deposit in one of the kids potties on display.
This was already enough, but the store owner didn't even laugh when I told her (in front of many people) what had happened. In all of my routine humiliations, I don't remember the last time I blushed so badly that my eyes watered. She gave me a key to the bathroom, to take care of it. Then I ended up wandering around the courtyard with a giant potty and a toddler trying to figure out where the bathroom was. Someone came out of their store and told me it was all the way around the block. So we marched over there. And of course there were construction workers working on the sidewalk right in front of it. Of course it was occupied, so we had to hang out there with the laborers and our big pot of stink.
We cleaned up, returned the potty to the store, bought something as a courtesy and got out of there! Amelia was quite proud of herself, which I'm glad for-- no need to maker her feel bad as well! Anyway, This is just one of those things that you have to share so that people can just laugh and redeem the mortification. Enjoy.

Toddler Self- Talk

We've recently come across our biggest two year old behavior issue we've had yet. While she's monkeying around (there really couldn't be a more appropriate expression!) in bed when it's time for her nap, she's been taking her diaper off and peeing in bed. (!!) I was so perplexed about what to do, but we've been giving her feedback based on her choices, particularly praising her for leaving it on. Yesterday during naptime this is what I heard coming from her room:

"Diaper off? No. NOOO. Not OK.
Diaper on? Yeah! Mhmmm. Yep. Good job!
....OK!"

She went back and forth on this a couple more times, so I thought maybe I should go see what her status was. She'd taken the rest of her clothes off, but the diaper was ON! Good job working through the issue, kiddo!

As if I Needed Help Embarrassing Myself...

I think I can safely say that I have more Most Embarrassing Moments than the average person. Partly because I waitressed for four years, with lots of potential for spilling wine on people or flipping trays over completely to shower my guests with salad (unfortunately already dressed.) There was also that time when I was doing marketing for our PT clinic, and had arranged lunch with a prestigious doctor in a swanky Newport Beach office. I had brought fajitas, and we were all sitting around eating and the owner of our clinic was chatting up the MD, when I somehow managed to flip my styrofoam plate into the air, flinging peppers and sauce all over the room, including all over the doctor himself! The worst part is that no one burst out laughing-- it was all very serious and quite the inconvenience. Or how about working in a hospital and casually referring to conjoined twins as "Siamese twins." Nice! I still blush and curse my 3rd world upbringing when I think of that one! Oh, there's more, so much more, but you'll have to ask me yourself.

Anyway, having a child pretty much triples the opportunities for public humiliation. Amelia had her two year old checkup with her pediatrician, Dr. Ed, last week. I really like this doctor, he is a naturopath and is very holistic in his approach. He is really into parenting techniques, and while I appreciate this and have valued his input, I feel rather self-conscious whenever I'm in his office, being observed so closely. Amelia also seems to reserve her clingiest, whiniest behavior for this very occasion, so that doesn't help. We're going through potty training right now, and Amelia is doing very well. She's really good about telling us when she needs to go, but she literally says she needs to go about 20 times a day. I suspect that it's out of boredom sometimes, but she can usually eke something out.

When we got to the office, I took her to the bathroom so that she would be ready for 30 minutes of continence when the time came. While we were with the doctor, she was asking to go potty again, but I asked her to wait a couple of times, since we were deep in conversation about her peculiarities. So she pooped her pants. We stepped out to address the matter, and I discovered that I didn't have any more diapers... Or wipes. I did my best, dumping the poop in the toilet and wiping her and her diaper with TP, thankful that it wasn't as bad as it could have been, texture-wise, and thinking that the visit would be over soon and I could search the car for another diaper. When we got back to the exam room, much to my dismay, Dr. Ed asked me to take off her clothes, INCLUDING her diaper, so she could be weighed! I casually asked if I could borrow some wipes, since it seemed that I had forgotten mine, and tried to take her diaper off as discreetly as possible, praying that he would go look at a chart or something and miss the poop streaks on her diaper. No such luck. But he didn't say anything, so I just died inside quietly. I'm sure there's plenty more of this to come, so I continue my practice of shrugging off these little mortifications.

Oh, the things strangers say to parents!


Nursery worker: Well, I was VERY surprised that Amelia had nuts in her diaper bag for her snack. I wouldn't think she'd be old enough for those yet.
(Possible interpretation: Wow, you REALLY don't know what you're doing, do you?)

Me: Actually, she does very well with nuts, and we already tested her for any allergies to nuts, and she can eat them! I was so relieved that they aren't a problem, since she needs the protein in light of the (previously mentioned) allergies to eggs and dairy.
(Interpretation: I've got it, thanks.)

Yeesh!

A Compromise of Principles.


I just can't keep up with Amelia's obsession with being read to. I easily read her 20 books each day, and "book" is her first word in the morning (OK, at least after "Hi!") or after a nap... or actually the word she says the most all day. She follows me around with a book saying "Book! Lap! Lap!" She recognizes the library when we drive past, and she asks when we get in the car if we're going to the "brery." I love to read to her. But I can't do it ALL DAY LONG. So I checked a video out at the library yesterday. She loves it! It is a really silly, low-budget bilingual spanish educational video, and she makes me feel better about it by following along and trying to say the words.
I'm cringing inside, but it's good to violate certain principles now and then, so you don't take yourself too seriously. Also, I got the dishes washed and picked up the house.

Amelia Update

Amelia is 18 months old now, my official favorite age in the baby/toddler category. She gets that very purposeful, busy look on her face as she gets into things or plays with her toys. I love it. She is only just now really trying to walk every day, and I expect her to be walking around pretty regularly in a week or so. Although I can't wait to see how cute she is marching around in that little body, I have also really appreciated the slower pace she provided with crawling and walking so late.

I recently took her to have her allergies tested, and found out that she has quite a few food sensitivities and allergies. We're still in the elimination phase, then in a few weeks we'll see which foods really give her a lot of trouble as we introduce them. The hardest ones are dairy -- even raw milk, cultured milk or goat milk!! We will save a considerable amount on raw milk from here on out-- eggs, tomatoes and corn. All of these include derivatives as well, so corn is tough to avoid. There are some others as well, but ones we don't eat much of anyway-- soy, banana, cantalope.... The good news is that she doesn't have an allergy to wheat, which was what I was most afraid of, and I also know now that she doesn't have allergies to common things like nuts, pollen, bees, etc. Since she has been off of the offending foods, she WON'T STOP EATING! Literally! She is constantly asking for food, and I need to have something to giver her at all times. This has been pretty tricky, and now that dairy is out, it's even harder. I would like her to at least give me a half hour break between snacks! I am thinking she'll probably have a big growth spurt soon...

Sleep has been MUCH BETTER lately. Many nights, she just wakes up once after we've gone to bed. Some nights, she sleeps for 6-8 hours at a stretch, occasionally more! It is strange to actually getting normal amounts of sleep now, although I have quite a bit of catching up to do. I am so thankful!

Amelia really has been enjoying her cousins. We have three different families of cousins relatively close by, and they all love her. She knows it, and it's fun to see her get more excited about seeing them and playing as the months go by.


What else? The baby obsession continues, but she is her own favorite baby, and is constantly asking me to show her the "loodaloo" movie from the last update. She has added the word "pretty" to her vocabulary, and uses it very accurately to describe jewelry, chandeliers and other sparkly things-- I always feel proud when I agree with her esthetic tastes.

She is no longer the "perfect child" in public, and I have had some pretty mortified moments lately, but that's OK. What really amazes me is not her behavior, but all those people who stare unabashedly! Oh, well. All in all, we think she is such a sweetheart, and honestly enjoy her more and more as she grows.


Amelia self-medicating her post holiday blues...

How does a crying child make you feel?

I am not usually one to write about controversial topics, but this one is so close to my heart that I feel like I need to share my experience with not only anyone who will listen, but many people who may have faced some similar issues and could use the insight that I have found so valuable.
If you have read much of my blog, particularly posts from about a year ago, you will know that my introduction to parenthood has been pretty difficult. Amelia came into the world through a very stressful pregnancy, and very difficult delivery and then couldn't seem to sleep or stop crying (actually it was more like yelling, usually) for at least six months. Although her daytime temperament improved considerably with some helpful ideas from my acupuncturist, sleep has always been really difficult, and it had become much, much worse after our move up here a couple of months ago-- she was waking up every hour or two for at least a month!

Jeff and I both really appreciated the perspective of attachment parenting (AP) and wanted to respond to her every time she cried in her early months. Somehow, this resulted in her waking up every 45 minutes. I wore her in a sling all day, and bounced her on an exercise ball most of the times that she was awake, since this is the only thing that would help her stop crying. It was a really difficult process for us to realize that the way WE wanted to parent might not be what she needed. We realized that maybe she needed to cry.


A lot of our friends and family had done the babywise method that encourages parents to let their children "cry it out" (CIO.) While we both really hated the idea of CIO, we felt we didn't have any other options, since we were so exhausted and sleep deprived, and getting to the point where we were afraid we would hurt her if we had to keep bouncing and shushing all day and through the night. We tried various graduations of letting her cry, from sitting in her room and patting her back while she was in her crib, to checking in every five then twenty minutes. One night, we learned that she could yell for at least six hours without wearing out. We didn't need to know more than that, we had to try something else.

We worked really hard on her bedtime routine and consistent bed and naptimes, and things really improved. However, although she went out like a light, she usually woke up a few hours later, and was often either inconsolable or sociable as soon as we walked in her room and hysterical as soon as we tried to put her back down. There were many nights when we just gave up and pulled out the futon in the living room and tried to sleep through her yelling and screaming. I usually just laid there feeling really awful and wondering what on earth I could do differently. I tried every homeopathic, herbal and folk medicine remedy in the book. I took her to see all sorts of different health practicioners. Some improvements here and there, but her sleep (and ours) was still really poor.

I made an appointment here with a naturopathic doctor, hoping he would tell me that she had a wheat allergy or something that could be fixed and miraculously solve our problems. No luck. However, he sort of diagnosed her with birth trauma (I have not mentioned a whole other set of intriguing and bizarre behaviors), recommended someone who might be able to help with that, and also suggested that I may need a different perspective on what Amelia's needs are. He said that parents of colicky children often get stuck in a pattern of pacifying the child, and trying to keep them from being upset. The result is a very clingy, whiny child, among other things (Amelia was displaying those very behaviors-- way more than usual-- during our entire visit!) He gave me a reading assignment.

OK, this is where it gets exciting and controversial. The book is called Tears and Tantrums, written by Aletha Solter. Basically, the theory is that children (as well as adults) really do need to cry, as all the CIO people tell us; however, they need to experience full acceptance of their feelings. In other words, babies and children release tension and stress by crying and even raging, but need to be held and accepted during the process. Rather than trying to make a baby stop crying, which further contains their stress and overall tension, they need to be held as they cry, scream or yell (also called crying in arms, or CIA.)
The first night that I did this with Amelia, she cried, fussed screamed and wailed for about an hour, displaying quite an array of emotions. Then she slept for four hours. Then she woke up, cried a bit more-- but not long-- and slept for four more hours. Then she slept in. This has been a huge turning point for us. She has been crying as needed, but is sleeping MUCH better and is just so happy and pleasant all day. Very very content, not whiny or demanding. Today, she had a hard time with her naps and was slightly fussy at one point, so I expected her to wake up tonight and need to cry for a while-- which she did.

The really interesting thing about this is that my perspective on her crying has changed so much. The first night, I sat with her and thought about all the stress of moving, sleeping in different houses, not getting as much attention with all the stuff we've had to do. Plus all the inate, unknown difficulties of just being a baby. I felt so much compassion for her, and was glad that she could express all of that. I didn't feel in a hurry for her to finish up and go to sleep, and I appreciated that she could express those things in my presence. I read a list of all the things that cause stress or trauma in babies, and I realized that Amelia experienced many of those very things in utero and during her first couple days outside the womb. I felt sad that I had tried to get her to stop crying all year, when she really needed to heal from those experiences through expressing those negative feelings.

Not only have things with A. changed, but this book has really challenged my thinking about how we respond to emotional outbursts, particularly in children. I think that most people grew up being taught that it was "bad" to let out negative feelings, and "good" to be very in control of their emotions (supression!) However, what spouse would try to discourage the one they love from crying about something that was painful for them, or even expressing anger that was bottled up inside?
I don't know how many conversations I've overheard where someone is lambasting that "lousy" mother in the grocery store whose child is screaming or tantrumming. "She needs to nip that in the bud." "Why didn't she just spank that kid then and there?" Or worse! And I think many of us were actually punished for crying! Others were sent away from the family to express negative emotions, and couldn't be with them until they could stop crying and/or put a smile on their faces. There is this understanding in our culture that a pleasant child= good parents. I remember during Amelia's calmer phase, a couple of women came up to me and commented on how happy she was, and that I must be doing a great job! I was able to accept the encouragement, but had to wonder if I'd been a bad mom all of the other times, when she was so unhappy!
I think that particularly in religious communities, there is a lot of judgement of parents based on their ability to control their children. It seems to me that many of the discipline decisions that are made are based on fear of what other people will think of them as parents and good people. This is NOT to say that most parents are not doing their very best to raise their children! It is more a cultural issue of what a parents' role is in helping the child develop, and how we believe that should be done. And of course how WE as parents feel about crying ourselves or whether or not it is OK to express anger or frustration has a huge impact on how we handle these expression in our children.

Let's switch to a strictly physiological point of view. As a massage therapist, I am continuing to learn about the effects emotions have on the body. Emotions are chemicals, and when they are not expressed or worked out of the body, they remain in the tissues. These compounds end up causing all sorts of complaints and illnesses, from bowel problems to arthritis to rigid muscles and poor posture. Interestingly, the chemical makeup of tears actually contains forms of cortisol-- the stress compound-- and crying is a way of pumping it out so it doesn't stay in the body! Other releases include exercise, sweating and laughing, but very small children don't have a lot of options. After people cry or even rage, their blood pressure is lower, the presence of cortisol in their blood is much lower, and they generally sleep well and just feel better!

Then there is the relational aspect. Children learn to hold in their emotions if parents do not respond to or are uncomfortable with them expressing them. There is something special to me about having the sort of relationship with my child that accepts all of her feelings, whether positive or negative. I will feel honored when she shares with me into adulthood what is happening in her life and her heart, and not only do I want to set the stage for that, but I want to know those things about her now, as well. Being attentive to your child DOES NOT mean being permissive or "spoiling" them-- oftentimes, it's a limit that is being enforced that provokes the tears. Although I'm sure I'll feel mortified at times in public, I hope that I can respond to Amelia in ways that allow her to process the traumas of life-- big and small-- and allow her to grow into an emotionally healthy little person! I know my explanation of this philosophy has not done the book justice, but I'd like to encourage you to read it, even if you don't have small children of your own, but intend to, or if you work with them.

Warning: Protective Eyewear Required!!!

On Thursday morning, I was playing with Amelia in bed and she grabbed my eye while I was looking away for a moment. I had often thought about how a little baby could really do some damage, and wondered that I hadn't heard of many cases of earrings being ripped out or eyes getting scratched. Maybe most moms' reflexes are just quicker than baby. Maybe not. I couldn't believe how badly it hurt, but couldn't see anything obviously damaged when I looked in the mirror. I was also coming down with a cold, and some of the symptoms overlapped as well. I ended up pulling it together and took A. with me to MOCA with Heather Shack, who was in town. I began realizing while we were out, though, that my eye was pretty bad and just getting worse. It hurt to have it open, it really hurt to close it, and light was awful.

Jeff stayed homefrom work on Friday, and we were fortunate to get a Doctor's appt. at ten in the morning. The doctor numbed my eye (ah, relief!) and then put what looked like a strip of litmus paper in my eye to dye my cornea. She confirmed that I have a "rather large" corneal abrasion, and called and made an appoinment at an optometrist for me that afternoon. She also prescribed a "mild sedative" which I seriously considered but didn't take.

At the optometrist's office, three different people saw me, each with their own set of drops and bright lights to shine into my very sad and sensitive eye. I reconsidered my decision about the sedative, but it was too late. I have to admit that it was pretty gratifying that both of the optometrists thought it was really bad. One assured me that I wasn't the first to have a baby scratch them, but wondered when I'd last trimmed her nails. Apparently, she had scratched all the way through the first layer of the cornea, but the cut was also really rough. My favorite moment was a conversation between the two optometrists that went like this,
"So, do you think you'll put a contact lense over the eye to smooth it out?"
"Well, I thought about it, but there is already so much inflammation, it might make it worse. Actually, I was thinking about getting in there and scraping to even it out.... (Both get a little excited at the idea) But I don't think I will."
Is that what the "mild sedative" was for? Yikes! Anyway, I was happy that the treatment only involves three different drops every four hours. I thought it was interesting that they want to keep the pupil dilated all the time. This is because the dilation and constriction with light changes is what really hurts the most, since the whole eye moves when that happens. Educational experience.

Anyway, I am happy to report that my eye is feeling MUCH, MUCH better today. My vision on that side is still a bit blurry, but it looks almost normal. Now if I can just get over my cold, I will be in great shape. But I don't think I'll be wearing earrings any time soon!

I have a confession to make.

Well, two. The first is that I have a really hard time with anything that smacks of a pity party. I just don't believe in pity parties, and have to check myself, as I often find myself judging people for complaining. It's embarassing to me to imply that my life is anything but priviledged and full of blessings. I mean, I didn't even blog about my sixth month of pregnancy when I got the worst eye infection (it looked like a scuba accident,) a cold, pneumonia and then broke a rib coughing-- although now that I can laugh about it, it's safe enough to mention. So please understand that this feels risky. And that at this moment I am trying to overcome a major pride issue.
My main confession is that I am having a really hard time in life. ( I don't want to speak for Jeff, but it's true that we are in this together.) Amelia has been such a challenge for us. I feel like I had approached parenthood knowing that it would be stretching, but feeling like I was definitely up to the challenge. The journey so far has been way beyond my imagination. Not just the challenges of my pregnancy, or the birth experience I hope to never repeat, but the whole deal up until now. Amelia is almost seven months old, and she is still practically sleeping like a newborn. I have written cheerful things before like "it was tough, but we're all sleeping better now," but they should have read, "Amelia was waking up every forty minutes, but now she wakes up every two to three hours, on a good night." She now sleeps four hours at a stretch on a great night. I am trying to think of a stronger word than "exhausted," but I can't at the moment. However, "cranky" is very accurate, and I feel like I am constantly on the verge of a major social blunder. That thing that has typically kept me from speaking my mind when I shouldn't or that helps me choose nice words in a tricky conversation is all gone. Sleep is not the only issue. Amelia has an incredibly dynamic personality and is almost constantly frustrated by... well, I don't know... maybe physical limitations?.. She rarely cries, but hollers almost constantly, and as Grandpa put it, "spends most of her time and energy trying to do things she can't do yet." On the one hand, I try to take her out every day because she LOVES new people and environments and is incredibly and enjoyably social. On the other hand, she rarely lasts more than an hour and a half being out, so I almost never visit friends or do much outside of the home besides running errands. It feels like I've been under house arrest. And so many other things. The breastfeeding not working out. Making formula every day. Cloth diapers. Weekly trips to Herbie's to see what we else we might try. Chiropractic treatments. I have an appointment with an integrative medicine pediatrician in Newport Beach on Thursday to try to figure out what is going on with little A.
It's really, really tough. I have a hard time admitting it, and feel weak doing so. But recently a few people have challenged me to be more honest about where I am at, and the toll all of this has taken. So there it is. I confess, I'm having a hard time.

Amelia moves out...

Amelia was sleeping in bed with me for a while, and Jeff was on the couch. Obviously a less than desireable setup for us. Amelia thought it was pretty great while it lasted though. We made her a crib and I made a special sleeping blanket, and we are all working hard on sleep patterns. It is so fun to sew stuff for her, even if she can't appreciate it yet. I will have to put pictures of her room in her baby book so she can see what a sweet little place she had during her first year of life...
And we are all getting more sleep!

Coming soon... A chubbier, happier baby!

Last Thursday, I took Amelia to her pediatrician for a routine visit, and found out that she is quite undernourished. The doctor was pretty concerned and told me that my breast milk quality was not good enough. I had been nursing her ever 1-2 hours, but she is still only 10 lbs. 13 oz. That was discouraging. He told me I need to start supplementing with formula after nursing her, and that I must come back for a weight check in two weeks. The can of formula he handed me was 42% corn syrup solids (!!!) I am now making my own formula each day at home, and with a little flavor tweeking, Amelia is drinking down quite a bit and spends less time crying and chewing on her hand. I am really really hoping this will help with her sleep issues!

I took this picture of her when she should be napping. It was a fun way to deal with my exasperation after several hours of trying to get her to go down for a nap! I also took her to a chiropractor, and the next day she was unusually mellow and content. She has actually put herself to sleep a few times since supplementing and adjusting. While this is a tough adjustment time for all of us, we are excited to think that Amelia could end up happier and quieter. I get so excited just thinking about it.

Hurray!!

Amelia has begun smiling sweetly and sincerely. It is so fun, and makes parenting FEEL so much more rewarding! Somehow I am relieved to see that she can enjoy life and be happy sometimes, and that we can actually cause her to smile... She even makes some sweet noises now and then. I know that this is just the beginning in terms of interaction and delight, and I am so thankful, since she has had a rough go of it adjusting to life in the world so far. She is two months old today!

Lifestyle.

It's Wear Your Baby to Work Day around here every day. Except for the backache, I love wearing Amelia around in a sling. It's supposed to help her set appropriate sleep and wake cycles, and keep her calm. It's the perfect solution for soothing her AND getting housework done, as well as putting her to sleep in the evening.
Whenever the question about which animal I thought I most closely resembled has come around, I have always thought of the kangaroo-- nurturing but a little aggressive (I WILL box you down!) Anyway, I like having a little joey snug in my "pocket."