Relief and Dread.
All at once. After quite a long saga, lots of discouragement, letter-writing, phone-calling and waiting, I received my permit to take the OR state licensing exam for massage. I test March 19th. This is GREAT, since I have not been able to practice massage this whole time, and we have been losing untold amounts of potential income-- not to mention the joy, personal growth and fulfillment I receive from helping peoples' bodies heal themselves. But I feel completely ILL every time I think about the exam. It is a practical exam, meaning I will go into a room with FIVE people watching me and asking me questions and video taping my techniques and answers. There are about eight questions that they will draw and ask at random, and the body of knowledge from which these are drawn is vast. I cannot possibly study enough to feel confident at this point in my life, so my plan is to not really study at all. Maybe I'll pass and will have saved all of that time and effort. Or maybe I'll fail and then I'll know how to study most effectively for the next time. The thing is, I don't mind going into a room and quietly flunking an exam with my pencil and paper-- but fumbling, feeling embarrassed and unprepared in front of five peers for an hour is actually one of my worst nightmares! This kind of reminds me of my experience singing in high school. I loved singing in the choir, and was good enough at it that my teacher wanted me to be in the concert choir. However, at the end of the semester I had to take a sight reading test. I was so anxious and mortified about trying to sight read in front of the teacher that I decided to forgo concert choir the next semester, since repeating the experience was just not worth it! Stakes are much higher this time, though, so whether I pass or not it WILL be worth it eventually. But until then, I am just putting it out of my mind. Prayers here would definitely be appreciated!