A-Marketing We Go...

I decided to bring my camera along with me this morning to the open market. I am definitely living out my ideal grocery shopping scenario. We have a tiny fridge-- think of a big dorm-sized one-- so I can't keep many perishables on hand. We have one rack in the pantry where I keep coconut milk, nuts, etc., but otherwise all of our food is either on the counter or in the fridge-- which means I need to keep buying small amounts almost every day.

All week long, there are green grocers with their tents set up in the city square. These items are bought from a big market in Nuremburg in the wee hours of the morning, and many of these are imported from other countries. These stalls are convenient, but I try to wait for the actual farmers to come on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday.

The daily vendors. They are becoming familiar with me, and today one of them taught me the word for "basket," very patiently writing it down when it was clear that I was not quite getting the pronunciation.

My first shopping day is Wednesday, when I go to buy produce, wild vension, and whatever seasonal items show up in various booths-- this week it was mixed wild mushrooms and wild cranberries. There is a spice vendor there as well as a Turkish man with all sorts of olives, cheeses, hummus, etc.

Fridays are the biggest market day. There are lots of meat vendors, along with breads booths, fish mongers, and farmers. This probably doesn't look too appetizing to you, but this marinated turkey is wunderbar.

Bread cart. I love the old-timey look!

My favorite is the rotisserie truck! You can buy whole roasted hens and geese. I do plan on picking up a goose one of these days, but I usually buy two small chickens-- one to pick apart with Amelia for lunch (she gets out of school early on Fridays,) and the other to use the meat and bones for chicken stock and soups during the week. I tend to be kind of shy with the camera, but asking this man if I could take his pictures warmed him right up, and in turn, he asked me some questions about living here. I love making relationships with the vendors, it makes the whole process of shopping so enjoyable!

Roast Geese.

Why so nervous?

There is also the Herb Lady, who makes beautiful wreaths and little woodsy decorations.


She speaks English pretty well and makes really good pestos and chutneys, and goes to great trouble to explain things to me. She told me today that there will be a festival coming up that the churches celebrate, kind of like Thanksgiving, in honor of the harvest. This explains one of the fancier displays today.

And maybe the presence of a basket weaver...

...And a clog maker...?

It's really nice to see everyone out and about, enjoying the beautiful Fall weather. There was a large group of people from a nearby elderly home.

And look who I ran into! It's Ingrid!

(She tells me she'll be at the upcoming flohmarkt, so stay tuned for that shopping fun!)

This is what I came home with today, minus the meats.

Anyway, I'd say Friday is my biggest shopping day. Many of the farmers return on Saturday as well, so it's nice to walk around and look as a family, but not needing to do much actual purchasing. Every other week or so, I go to a big grocery store to buy some dry goods and such. Then most days, I realize that I am missing one or two items and I go to a little grocery about four stores away on our street. There are little shops nearby that are a mix between a deli and a butcher shop, called a Metzgerei, where I buy meat if I need some for dinner that night. All in all, I get by without really going to a real grocery store for a long time! Food goes through our kitchen quickly, but it is very easy to restock. And I must mention that our food budget is about the same here as it was in Portland!

In light of all of the food allergies I have had to juggle for Jeff and Amelia, and some nagging health issues, our family is transitioning to a grain-free lifestyle. I took a picture today to turn in to a contest on a website that has been fun and inspiring for me, detailing what our family eats in a typical week (delicious-looking child not included.)

Not pictured, but written in: 1 Kilo Fresh Turkey, 1 Kilo Wild Venison, 2 Rotisserie Chickens, and 4 Dozen Pastured Eggs.

Although it could be difficult to make such a big switch, the setup here is so ideal, it has actually simplified my life quite a bit. We basically eat meat, eggs, vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds and butter. And I enjoy some other dairy. We are all pretty happy with this, and of course feeling good too! I love doing all of the marketing, and look forward to my shopping days very much.

Thanks for coming along with me today!

Sad times for the Mullins family...

OK, so it's not that bad, but still fairly lame. I picked up a virus two weeks ago that really knocked me out. Then once I started feeling just a little better, Amelia started getting sick. Last weekend I powered through a massage course and then played nurse to Amelia. She got very sick. One night in particular, she had a really high fever (I couldn't find the thermometer to quantify, but it was probably about 105) and was actually hallucinating. I don't like to give her tylenol routinely, but even after a dose her fever didn't go down for several hours. She's been staying home from school since Wednesday and is still not feeling so hot.

I started getting sick again Friday, and by the night time had a raging earache. I have had an ear infection or two in the past, but the level of pain in this one was off the charts. We ended up going to the ER that night since I just couldn't stop crying --I like to think I have a high pain tolerance, but this certainly brought me to my knees. At the ER they said they found an angry eardrum and said they couldn't do much for me at the moment-- decongestant, antibiotics, and, after I asked, pain meds. By this time it was 12:30 a.m., and we had to get the prescription filled. Luck would have it that the pharmacy we went to was running behind and we had a 40 minute wait before the Rx could be filled. My awesome neighbor friend had come over with her baby to stay at our place so Amelia could sleep while we were gone, so Jeff brought me home to relieve her, then went out to get the meds. Those helped me relax, but didn't really take care of the pain, so I didn't sleep that night. Then, I had a reaction to the pain pills that resulted in some episodes of vomitting in the morning-- perfect! I started taking a good dose of Advil and finally had the presence of mind to do a hot compress, which made the pain more manageable.

My naturopathic doctor is wonderful, and had an appt. available for me at noon. When she looked in my ear, she just kept saying "Oh dear. Oh no. Oh dear." When pressed for more descriptors, she said that I have something like a strep infection on my eardrum, that it had lots of little blisters all over it. I looked up the name of the condition and it was described as "exquisitely painful." Yes. Also something called glue ear-- fluid stuck behind my eardrum, kind of holding the eardrum back there-- not especially painful, but it makes it feel and sound like my ear is plugged, and can take a long time to resolve. She was very sympathetic and helpful, and had some good recommendations. I actually spent an hour and a half with her!

So, that was yesterday. Since then, the pain has gotten much better. And now Jeff is coughing. Amelia is still recovering, I am trying to catch up on sleep and kick this thing. We're a fun group to be around! In general, we don't catch a lot of colds and viruses. Amelia has never had an ear infection and is rarely sick. But it seems like we get all the crazy stuff-- Amelia was only sick twice last year, and both times it was with hand, foot and mouth disease. Last fall we went to the ER for Jeff. And I have stuff happen like this and broken-ribs-from-coughing-with-pneumonia-while-pregnant. Come on! At least we've had a long weekend to be miserable in, and I'm hoping for a more normal week ahead. I guess all of those projects I had planned out will just have to wait. And maybe we'll even be able to see people in a week or two...

Health Update
The Verdict: Sleep it Off!

I recently did another Adrenal Stress Index (ASI) test, to check my cortisol levels and see how they compared to those in my original labs. Unfortunately, the results were very troubling-- it came back worse than the first. Of course, this was incredibly discouraging. Before letting me get too panicky about it, my naturopath followed it up with a blood test to see if those lousy results would be confirmed. Fortunately, the cortisol level in that test came back completely differently.

Without going into a big biology lesson, I will try to briefly explain what this means. As I have mentioned before, cortisol is the stress hormone, and chronic high levels can be very damaging. However, we need a certain amount of cortisol in our tissues in order to have energy to do normal stuff every day. The ASI test I took indicated that I have very little cortisol in my tissues (close to none)-- which is obviously why I feel so lousy. On the other hand the cortisol in my blood test was actually high. What this translates to is that I always feel quite keyed up like I need to run from a bear, but I don't actually have the energy to do much. The important issue now is to get the adrenaline out of my blood and into my tissues-- which would help me feel more calm and energetic.

My ND consulted with with some other doctors about this unusual situation, and the first thing that came up was my quality and quantity of sleep-- both of which have been poor. Apparently, that is the missing link for getting the cortisol where it belongs. I was so excited when she told me that I would have to start taking Benadryl on nights when I am unable to sleep. This is seriously awesome news for me, something I have been fantasizing about-- just knocking myself out until I'm all rested up! Other parts of the ASI showed improvements in my hormone production and immunity, so once I can get enough rest I should be in pretty good shape.

The other good news is that I am no longer on exercise restriction. In fact, the other part of the cure for high levels of cortisol in the bloodstream is exercise. I am very very happy about this, since exercise has always been a key stress management tool for me. Plus, all of this sitting around resting and trying to eat more has inevitably led to some extra weight I am looking forward to working off.

It's been a bit of a roller coaster in the last month with all of this stuff, but I am so encouraged overall. Leaving the Dr.'s office with orders to sleep and exercise made me cry with relief most of the way home. Especially since I was afraid that the news was going to be much worse!

Work Update.

I have been thinking a lot about my work, but not saying much....

First of all, I haven't been working-- at all! Before Christmas, my studio space flooded. There was way too much snow piled up on a flat roof, and as it all began melting, water started running down the back walls like a waterfall. Fortunately, all of the damage was covered by insurance, but that also means that it needed to be fixed through the insurance company's process. That is to say, It's. Still. Not. Fixed. I have been given several dates by which I should be back in business, but none of those have happened. I'm hoping for next week.

There is a silver lining, although even that has both good and bad news. The good news is that I have not been paying rent. The bad news is that this is really good since I haven't had many calls in the new year. At first, I thought maybe I was just getting a little break and would have a month off in which I was not really losing any money. Now that it has stretched into almost three months and there is still little interest, I am getting nervous-- but still thankful that I am not paying rent!

I have used some of the free time to get started on the beauracracy of getting onto some insurance panels-- a long process! I don't really want to get work through insurance companies, since they really control a lot of what you do, but I realize that with "the economy" and all, many people can no longer afford bodywork unless it is covered by insurance-- I'm just giving myself one more option for getting enough work.

Another positive here is that I have had a lot of opportunity to just think about the type of massage practice I'd like to have. In the past, most of my work has been deep tissue, orthopedic body work that is rather taxing for me. I have had a lot of success with this and really enjoy the problem solving aspects and the more dramatic changes in a person's pain levels or range of motion. On the other hand, I don't feel like this type of work is very sustainable for my body, and I have found much gentler therapies that really work, and that I really enjoy using.

Beyond the physical aspect of the work, I would like to shift my focus from the purely physiological effects of massage more to the psychological/ emotional component that certain types of massage address. More specifically, I would like to specialize in women's health. I recently took a course on abdominal/pelvic massage which opened up so many new ideas for me. I think that this is a really important time in history for women. Not so much in terms of equality or achievement, but in the way we are talking about our experiences in life as women. Ladies are sharing with one another about what it's like to have a miscarriage, to struggle with not being able to concieve a baby, about disappointment with motherhood. Women are becoming empowered to leave abusive relationships, are actively pursuing healing from sexual abuse they suffered as children (many of these women are in their 50's-- they have waited this long!) and others are openly seeking support for traumatic experiences related to their gender and or sexuality. This is really exciting!

I have touched on this subject before, but an important part of working with someone's body is the acknowledgment that our emotions/ thoughts have a direct impact on our tissues. Emotions are chemicals that, when they are unable to be released, are stored within our bodies and manifest in aches, pains and disease. Likewise, when problematic areas are worked on, emotions can be released. Bodywork cannot heal the experiences, but it can help a person work through them-- even if the emotional damage happened a long time ago. I love the idea of being able to work on areas of the body that are specific to our experience as women-- namely, the uterus and pelvis. So much of what we believe about ourselves as women can affect our bodies on a cellular level--in the same way that when our bodies malfunction it can affect us on a mental/ emotional level. I am thinking in particular of women who struggle with infertility, or those who were unable to deliver their children the "natural" way and had caesarean births or even struggled with being able to breastfeed (I raise my hand on all counts.) These "failures," and so many others, while easily rationalized on a physical level, have a serious affect on our psyches and our experiences as women. And of course these feelings find their way right back into our bodies!

I am feeling so much excitement about this new direction. I have realized that much of my body's own healing process involves resolution of emotional issues, and I have been able to get some of that work done on myself (and I will continue to do so.) As a side note, after I took the course on the pelvic work, I left feeling great-- I can hardly exaggerate about the improvement I experienced! Anyway, I plan to use that type of work, along with the cranio-sacral therapy (CST) I already practice, and still incorporating other modalities that I have always used. This year, I plan to take further CST classes, as well as breast massage (it may sound crazy, but there is actually a serious need out there, particularly for women at risk for breast cancer,) somato-emotional release and lympatic drainage. That sounds busy, and I hope it will be. I have waited for such a long time to have my own massage practice. I am a little anxious about the lull here, but thankful to have the opportunity to reevaluate where I am and where want to go with it. Thanks for listening!

All images courtesy of flickr.

Two Birds... One Stone...
It's our family update/ blessing inventory!

General
I know I keep mentioning it here and there, but the repainting of our house is imminent-- we have chosen a contractor and everything. We still can't believe this is being done for us and can't wait to have the outside of our home lookin' "purdy."

Christmas came early for us this year with a record-breaking show of generosity from J's parents-- we had been without a washer for months, and even when we had one, it was a one unit combo that did a terrible job with lots of noise and rubbery smells and could only take about 1/4 of a regular load at a time. They found a beautiful stacking washer and dryer, complete with warranty for us that actually fits in our cramped space! I never knew laundry appliances could make me feel this way-- it is amazing to have fresh smelling clothes, a quiet laundry day, and to actually have to wash clothes rather infrequently because the loads can be so large! Hurray!

We are thankful to not be visiting churches during the holiday season this year. We are gradually getting to know the people at our church and even had our small group over here for lunch on Sunday. We are so glad to have a church to experience the Advent season with.

Jeff
Work continues to be a positive challenge for Jeff. We are still just so thankful that he has his job and barely missed last year's pink slips. We have become friends with a number of his co-workers and are so pleased and blessed that he works with such wonderful people.

His health has been much better in the last couple of months! He had food allergies tested and has a short and doable list of things to avoid, and so far he has been close to normal-- a huge answer to prayers.

Jeff is currently taking the carpeting out of the spare room downstairs and repairing the sorry-looking wooden floor underneath. This will be a big improvement, and counts as one of my blessings.

Amelia
Amelia is almost 2 1/1 and at a really fun age. I am enjoying letting her help me a lot, or do household tasks independently. She loves washing the dishes with Jeff and today she helped me make cornbread. She often goes "shopping," walking around the house with a cloth sack picking things up to buy. It's also nice to have her cleaning her own messes up!

She is such a good communicator, and it's wonderful to have a whole new level of ability to understand one another. We are working on telling people how we feel, especially instead of screaming or acting out or getting walked on. Jeff and I were amazed the other day when she came up to me and we had this conversation:
A: Mama, I feel frustrated.
Me: You do? Why do you feel frustrated?
A: Because Papa said "NO." (With a very fierce face.)
Jeff was able to come over talk about the safety issue that had prompted this, and she seemed to make peace with the interaction. We couldn't believe we were able to have this little dialogue!

Sleep has certainly continued to be up and down, but she has been taking some serious naps-- a first! It's really been nice.

Here's some exciting news: Amelia will be attending preschool in January! I am so happy for her to be able to spend time with other children and get to go do so many interesting thing several days each week. Of course, there is also the benefit of me having some time freed up for work and rest. More on this later.

Me
I have been pleasantly surprised to have a pretty good amount of business so far. In the second week that I was "open" I filled my five client quota that I had been hoping for. I have had a couple other weeks with that many, and of course a couple of slow ones. Overall, things have picked up more quickly than I had expected. One very exciting tidbit is that my chiropractor, who I have a good relationship with, will be sending me clients for cranio-sacral work. In fact, when anyone calls their very busy wellness center asking about that type of work, they will refer them to me! I have also been getting referrals from the studio I work at. I am very happy and relieved that things are going well, and plan to step up my marketing quite a bit in January.

As winter is coming quickly, I am more thankful than ever for all of the changes we've been able to make to our home over the past year. The glass doors let in so much more light, the colors are cheerful, we are no longer trying to keep white carpet clean in muddy weather, etc. I feel a big difference in how I feel, and think it will be easier to stay positive through the gray and rainy weather ahead.

As far as my health goes, I can honestly say I'm feeling a bit better. This will be a long process, but I have had more energy lately and don't feel as overwhelmed by all that I have to get done on a daily basis. I am very thankful for a good doctor that has done so much to help me through this tricky healing process. I am also thankful to those that have been supportive and helpful, especially my sister-- she has been watching Amelia once a week for me, and was even doing a load of laundry for me each week! Amazing.

I have to be honest that last year was a difficult one for our family, but even so, we have so much to be thankful for. And much of our gratitude is for what has changed for us in the last few months, and what is to come in the year ahead. Our lives are so rich!

Feeling Quite Conscious of my Subconscious....

I have a pretty active dreamlife. Most nights, I have a dream (or several) that I can remember in the morning. While this is sometimes something I dislike-- my in-sleep episodes can be extremely stressful-- I sometimes gain insight about myself through these visions. For example, I may be "playing nice" with a difficult person in real life, but in my dreams I'll really let them have it. Or I will act out in my dreams in other ways that betray the way I'm really feeling deep down-- good information! It can be really useful.

Last night my dream was not necessarily helpful in terms of information, but extremely pleasant and telling. I dreamt that I met these two really nice ladies who were massage therapists. They were very caring and one of them gave me a long massage (this took up most of the dream) while they both chatted with me in a really kind manner. Afterward, the other one told me that we should trade massage services each week, although some weeks she would like to just give me a massage and I didn't need to reciprocate. Then, the funniest and best part of the dream was that I would have to walk a ways to get back to my car, but they said, "Oh, Honey, we don't want you to have to walk all that way. You need rest-- we'd like to wheel you back to your car on a gurney!"

I woke up feeling good and encouraged, but also kind of embarassed that this is what I'm dreaming about. Last week, I also dreamt that someone came over and cleaned for me-- of particular note was the thorough mopping of my floors! I'm kind of hoping that tonight I may be prepared a fancy meal...

General Updates...

Amelia is sick again, although at least there is no fever or blisters, so far. Just a chest cold. Fortunately, I have a big pot of chicken stock ready for action, and she's been drinking tea with herbal elixirs and raw honey all day. I'll do anything to try to make this quick!

Things are going full-bore for Jeff at work, and this will be a very busy year for him. He works at two different locations each day M- W, with a total of 5 work places, not including home visits. We are SO glad for the truck, which has also bumped up Jeff's testosterone levels a bit. (Don't hate me for writing that, Baby!) We never call each other 'baby'.

I am in the very final phase of negotiating on a space for my massage practice. I'll wait until I actually move in to tell you about it. We're supposed to get the key tomorrow and paint, but I have hit a very big bump in the road as of yesterday, and this one IS a "deal breaker." So either we'll get it all taken care of and be open for business in a week, or we'll be starting at square one again. If I don't get the space, the greatest loss will be all of the stress it has caused for me-- I really hope it goes through! Also, I just got a box full of marketing materials in the mail today, and I hope I get to use them-- they have the studio's name and address printed on them.

We're throwing a big party in a couple of weeks, and we're so excited! We only wish that all of our 'old' friends and family could come-- only I can't complain, since it's looking like 40+ people will be squeezing into our yard. I am praying hard for no rain that day!

Our house didn't get painted this summer, but there is a good reason for that. There is a grant for lower income (that's us!) homeowners with small children in Portland that have lead paint on their old houses. We applied and qualified, and it looks like we are going to get up to $10,000 of "lead abatement" done on our house by the city this year in the form of stripping and painting and anything else that needs to happen-- our old windows have already been replaced, so they don't need to do that one. We are SO THRILLED! I don't know when the painting will be done, especially since we're entering the rainy season that lasts most of the year, but we are having an inspection done this week and will be able to find out more then.

My health is about the same although made a bit worse by additional stress, and we're still trying to solve some mysteries related to Jeff's odd medical issues. Prayers in that department would be great. That's all of our not-so-big news for now...

It's Been a LOOONG Week!

I don't think I have it in me to spin a good story, so I'll give you the bare bones facts-- also known as an outline. [I would like to note that I meticulously formatted this outline with all of the proper indentations and such --twice-- but it only comes out in one straight line once published. What a shame.]

Thesis Statement: This week was super lame.
I. Last Friday Amelia got very sick with hand, foot and mouth disease (for the 2nd time in 3 months)
A. High fever
B. Sores in mouth, on hands and on feet
C. Misery
1. terrible sleep for everyone
2. serious and constant neediness and whining for days
D. Very contagious
1. my sister couldn't baby sit her, as offered and which I had perceived as a desperate need
2. we couldn't see anyone all week, there were many canceled plans
II. Jeff got sick on Thursday
A. Fever
B. Misery
1. general family downer
2. more canceled plans
C. Crazy, unusual swelling over a series of days
1. way more misery than before
2. more canceled plans and resultant cabin fever
3. serious impairment of the legs
4. disturbing distortion of face due to swelling
5. concerns about swelling moving to airway
D. Trip to the ER
1. who wouldn't want to spend their Sunday at the ER? Especially with this gorgeous weather?
2. Amelia was there, too!
a. five trips to the bathroom in two hours
b. two incidences of pee all over the floor
c. one busted lip from falling out of a chair
E. Steroids and benadryl
1. Jeff was out of commission for most of the day
2. we were forced to watch dumb shows online like "High School Musical-- Get in the Picture"
3. a week full of meds and their side effects ahead of us

Ugh! I'm not sure where this fits in, but our washing machine is also broken so we spent the better part of our most functional day doing laundry at the "mat." So, we're glad the week is over and are hoping for better luck next time. It wasn't all bad, though. On Saturday night we got out and went the movies. For $13.50, we got two tickets and two hours of babysitting-- exactly what we needed. We watched Get Smart, which was even funnier than we were hoping-- I love Steve Carell. We also spent a good amount of time this evening laughing about our super lame week and coming up with nicknames for Jeff's distorted visage-- "Dog Face" seemed to win the most laughs. We took pictures as soon as we got home from the hospital, which we will share for your sympathy and amusement.

As a point of reference, this is what my handsome husband USUALLY looks like.

I think this is the best one!

Where would we be if we had no sense of humor?

This one's mostly for the ladies...

I found an article that I really want to pass on. I hope you ladies will read it through. It talks about the current healthcare system and how to navigate through areas of corruption (and, I think, intimidation) to really receive quality care. I especially appreciated the section entitled "Good medicine requires patience" that addressed the widespread use of the HPV vaccine. I really like the website Women to Women. They are "Western" doctors that are very holistic and practical, and also address social/cultural issues related to our health. I could say SO much more on this topic, but it's written much more eloquently there already, so I'll hold off for now.

It's Official: I'm Unwell.

For quite some time now, I've been feeling bad. I've had some good weeks where I had more energy and fewer headaches, some relief from a small host of complaints and seemed to be able to handle the stresses of life just fine. But those weeks have not been the norm. I found a good naturopathic doctor who took my complaints seriously and has been very aggressive about figuring out what's wrong, and trying to help me get better. I had some extensive blood work done, and that came out relatively normal, with just some B vitamin deficiency and a little anemia. I was feeling better, but took a plunge after I started exercising again (because I was feeling better!) She suggested an adrenal test, so I did that a couple of weeks ago. I totally flunked. It's complicated to explain exactly what it going on, but I am in the throes of adrenal exhaustion.

If you do a little reading about it, adrenal fatigue is pretty common, and many people have elevated levels of cortisol in their system. Cortisol is sometimes seen negatively because it is associated with stress, but it is really essential. After a long period of elevated cortisol levels, the body simply can't keep up its supply and runs out. My cortisol levels are very low. Apart from not having much, the building block for making more (pregnenolone) is the same thing that is needed for many other important hormones, like DHEA and progesterone. My DHEA levels are seriously low, and though this test didn't measure progesterone, it's kind of a no-brainer that this important sex hormone will be very depleted.

The other part of my problems have been related to my reproductive system, and I don't have a definitive diagnosis yet, but let's just say something's wrong there too. Not only have I had some clear signs of hormonal imbalance, but we have been trying to conceive for about a year now, with no luck. Add to the equation a very unhappy digestive tract that just immediately gets rid of everything I try to nourish my body with, and I am left feeling very, very BAD.

So, what to do? Well, the treatment, in order of importance is: to erradicate sources of stress, SLEEP, REST, nutritional support, avoiding stimulation and having a daily routine. In addition, the test showed an intolerance to gluten, so I am taking that out of our family's already rather complicated and limited diet. Sleep, rest, and some of the other recommendations are rather tricky for me, especially with a toddler who's sleep is very unreliable. But we're all trying our best to make it happen.

I asked my ND how, in her opinion, I got here. I already knew, though. My pregnancy with Amelia was really difficult, stressful and draining. I'm type 1 diabetic, and although I was able to manage my condition through pregnancy, it was an enormous source of stress and was very hard on my body. As many of you know, we had so many struggles as new parents. Amelia cried constantly and slept very, very little. I ate my meals while bouncing her on an exercise ball for months, exercised too much in order to lose the huge amount of pregnancy weight I'd gained, then ran out of breastmilk and had to make it from scratch every day, hardly ever slept, never rested. The sleeping problems went on for a full 18 months, in a addition to a number of other little issues we have sought help for. We had little to no help or support her entire first year, and then we moved out of state, bought our first home and have been trying to settle in here for a year now. Her sleep improved significantly around 18 months, but we still have some bad weeks, and I have some of my own issues with insomnia.

I know many may be wondering at this point about why, exactly, we've been trying to get pregnant! In short, I want to have my kids and move on to enjoy them. Our family is not complete with only one child, and although I have felt at times like it would kill me, I want to have another baby (or two) and feel like I want to have a "do over" with my pregnancy and birth experiences. I don't want that to be all I ever experienced in that department. When my doctor gently told me that I should really reconsider having another pregnancy since she didn't think my body could actually handle it, I knew she was right-- as much as I haven't wanted to acknowledge it. I feel sad. But I also feel some relief from the pressure to take on something I don't believe I should right now. So, we're talking about adoption and looking into other possibilities. But not much, since I'm supposed to avoid stressful situations!

The trickiest thing about this whole situation is that I don't seem sick to most people. I have this ridiculous personality that fools everyone. If I feel terrible, I put on nicer clothes, a little more makeup, and go do something productive or fun to take my mind off of it. I clean when I'm overwhelmed. Only people who know me well realize that something is really wrong when I say I don't feel that great, since I don't go on and on about how awful I feel, and I'm probably still smiling when I say it. No one likes to be around a moaner, right? Also, I am terrible at acting sick, even when I should (lying around, being unproductive.) The other aspect of my personality is similar-- I rarely believe that I can't handle what is thrown my way. This has changed in the last couple of years, but it has been a difficult learning process. During my worst times of exhaustion and despair with Amelia, I thought that I was telling people that I couldn't handle what was coming my way, and that I needed help. Either I wasn't very convincing, I looked like I really had it all under control, or I couldn't tell that anyone actually wanted to help. I have continued coping with anything that has come my way, but it has all come at a price, and I have used up all of my body's resources.

I am particularly discouraged about my health crisis because, quite frankly, I don't know anyone who works as hard as I do to take care of their body! My family's diet is excellent, I have always loved to exercise (although I have to stop now for a while-- extra bummer,) and I just plain CARE so much about my health. They say it takes six months to two years to heal in this type of situation. We're trying to figure out all of our options for allowing more space for me to heal so I can actually feel good and have energy on a daily basis-- that sounds pretty amazing, but I'm not quite sure yet how it will all play out. On a positive note, I am incredibly thankful to at least KNOW what the official problem is, so we can start addressing it!