Thanks, everyone, for all of your kind words, whether via comment, phonecall or e-mail. I feel mildly embarassed, but definitely encouraged by the outpouring of care and attention. Thank you.

It has been a discipline to wait to post what I am DOING ABOUT my current situation, to look a little helpless for a couple of days before I tell you why you shouldn't worry quite so much because I am doing my best to take care of things. (If you know me well, this should sound completely tongue-in-cheek.)

The night before last, I went to the Cox home to have a night "off" in the guest room. I still woke up every couple of hours, but the nice part was that I could just look at the clock and roll over, never actually having to get up. A big psychological break.

I have started gardening again, and yesterday had fun sifting through the freshly digested compost to pull out the grubs as I put it in the garden. So far we are growing sweet peas, ranunculus, asparagus, purple kale, strawberies, onions a salad greens garden and a variety of herbs. Plus, we are working hard at getting the backyard as pleasant as possible for upcoming spring and summer dinners outside. Did I tell you we (our complex) got a fire pit for Christmas from our land lord? Sure, I had to ask for it, but still-- what a nice gift!

I am going to get a YMCA membersip. I just found out that they will watch A. for free while I work out! I'm sure she will love the change of scenery as much as I will. I keep joking about packing a lunch and camping out there all day...

Also I usually make "fancy" dinners for Jeff and I during the week that we enjoy together with wine (sometimes) and candlelight (always) after A is in bed. We always look forward to a couple hours alone together in the evenings to talk, watch a movie or play a board game. Odd as it may sound, I think we actually get along better now that A is here. A nice surprise.

Any other ideas that have carried you through the rough patches you've experienced?

I have a confession to make.

Well, two. The first is that I have a really hard time with anything that smacks of a pity party. I just don't believe in pity parties, and have to check myself, as I often find myself judging people for complaining. It's embarassing to me to imply that my life is anything but priviledged and full of blessings. I mean, I didn't even blog about my sixth month of pregnancy when I got the worst eye infection (it looked like a scuba accident,) a cold, pneumonia and then broke a rib coughing-- although now that I can laugh about it, it's safe enough to mention. So please understand that this feels risky. And that at this moment I am trying to overcome a major pride issue.
My main confession is that I am having a really hard time in life. ( I don't want to speak for Jeff, but it's true that we are in this together.) Amelia has been such a challenge for us. I feel like I had approached parenthood knowing that it would be stretching, but feeling like I was definitely up to the challenge. The journey so far has been way beyond my imagination. Not just the challenges of my pregnancy, or the birth experience I hope to never repeat, but the whole deal up until now. Amelia is almost seven months old, and she is still practically sleeping like a newborn. I have written cheerful things before like "it was tough, but we're all sleeping better now," but they should have read, "Amelia was waking up every forty minutes, but now she wakes up every two to three hours, on a good night." She now sleeps four hours at a stretch on a great night. I am trying to think of a stronger word than "exhausted," but I can't at the moment. However, "cranky" is very accurate, and I feel like I am constantly on the verge of a major social blunder. That thing that has typically kept me from speaking my mind when I shouldn't or that helps me choose nice words in a tricky conversation is all gone. Sleep is not the only issue. Amelia has an incredibly dynamic personality and is almost constantly frustrated by... well, I don't know... maybe physical limitations?.. She rarely cries, but hollers almost constantly, and as Grandpa put it, "spends most of her time and energy trying to do things she can't do yet." On the one hand, I try to take her out every day because she LOVES new people and environments and is incredibly and enjoyably social. On the other hand, she rarely lasts more than an hour and a half being out, so I almost never visit friends or do much outside of the home besides running errands. It feels like I've been under house arrest. And so many other things. The breastfeeding not working out. Making formula every day. Cloth diapers. Weekly trips to Herbie's to see what we else we might try. Chiropractic treatments. I have an appointment with an integrative medicine pediatrician in Newport Beach on Thursday to try to figure out what is going on with little A.
It's really, really tough. I have a hard time admitting it, and feel weak doing so. But recently a few people have challenged me to be more honest about where I am at, and the toll all of this has taken. So there it is. I confess, I'm having a hard time.

This is my late Christmas entry. We may also get a New Year's one shortly. Maybe.

Christmas was full of family, as it should be. We went up to Oregon and spent Christmas Eve at J's parents' house, then drove up on Christmas morning to D&H's house to be with siblings for the traditional Sibling Brunch. We spent an extra couple of days scoping out Olympia's potential as a place for us to settle and spending time with David and Heather, whom we have been missing. Then we went back to Portland to spend some quality time with Jeff's sister's family. One highlight was that they took Amelia for a day while Jeff and I enjoyed the city and time alone together!
We had a great time with everyone. It was so good to be with family on both sides, and Amelia is at a very interactive and enjoyable age. Sleep was not so good (at all!) but she loved spending time with so many new people during the daytime, and was on her absolute best behavior. Here is her six month photo.

This year, I made almost all of our gifts, which kept me pretty busy. I enjoyed it a lot. We have misplaced our camera somewhere in our house, so I can't show pictures of everything. But I did get pictures of the biggest project of the year. I got our niece on Jeff's side a tea set and made a bag that keeps the set and doubles as a tablecloth. I didn't have a pattern, so the problem-solving part of making it took much more effort than the actual sewing. Next time it should go pretty quickly.

Ain't she sweet?

We had some family photos taken on Saturday. Little A didn't smile the whole time-- she looked bored out of her mind with her tongue sticking out for most of the shots. The best we could do was get her to squint into the sun to fake a pleasant expression. Of course, once we got home she was all smiles!

Celebrating two years of hard work... I mean wedded bliss!!

It sure doesn't seem like that long ago, but so much has happened in the past couple of years-- marriage, a move, going down to a single income, a baby, a move on the way... So we have plenty to celebrate.


This is our silly prom-style picture for our big date that happened on Saturday. A dear friend babysat for five hours, and we had a blast. We went to our old stomping grounds in South Pasadena, looked in some great little shops and had an amzing dinner at Firefly, where we had our rehearsal dinner. We savored the evening with a long meal and talk of our future years together. We are so thankful that the spouse search is over, and that relief and the awe of constant companionship still feels new!

Gratitude.
We have so much to be thankful for. Jeff and I are coming up on our two year anniversary, and have been getting along better than ever. It is so wonderful to have his friendship and company every day. We are both very aware of how we have grown in the last year, and how the challenges of late have just made us a better team. Things have been pretty hard at times, but it has made us look harder for excuses to enjoy a good laugh, and that alone makes life better.

We had a wonderful time last night at the C. home, sharing the big meal with family. It was a little sad to realize that this may be one of the last events with this part of family for a while for us, since we are moving in the summer. I have to say, though, that it may have been the most enjoyable family gathering yet for me, and that is the best way to close a chapter!
And, of course, we are the most grateful for Amelia. She is five months old, and sometimes we still can't believe that she is actually ours. She is so full of life, and loves to be involved in everything. She smiles easily, "talks" a lot, and fake coughs to get our attention all day. She can laugh, but she is an unusually tough crowd. We wear our selves out for a little guffaw.

Jeff and I are so aware that our lives are so rich and full. We eat such great food every day, and are able to enjoy so many luxuries in life. We have such a nice place to live, with quality people all around. And we have options. We are thankful that we are able to make major changes and moves to benefit our future family, that we are not stuck in an "unsustainable" situation! We have been given so much to work with, and realize that this is not actually the norm. Sometimes we are tempted to feel guilty about abundance, but I know that part of God's delight in taking care of us is for us to just say "Thank you!" We are so grateful.

Who would YOU be?
So I have a fun reader poll.
Please participate.
Yes, even if you think that I have no idea that you even read my blog (yes, I know about you...)

Here is the question: If you could come back in another life as anyone you wanted, who would it be?
Here is the one rule: Please, no super- spiritual answers like Jesus Christ, or the Apostle Paul. This is supposed to be fun, not edifying. Thought- provoking is OK in moderation. And don't say, "I'd come back as myself, because my life is so great." That's no fun either.

I'll go first.
OK, so I would be Jennifer Lopez. I'm serious. Most people would be very surprised to learn that I am a closet Pop Music fan. It's just so upbeat. I love the attitude and the danceability. Back to JLO, not only is she gorgeous, but she is a singer and a dancer AND she owns at least two fantastic restaurants (I've been to two, there are probably more out there.) Madre's in Pasadena sealed the deal for me. It is a Cuban restaurant that has the aesthetic of a rich family's formal dining room, and you can tell that she got to choose everything, including the rose- covered wallpaper in the bathroom. Who else gets to do that just for fun, since they have the money and the fame?

"Back" in Business!


I could just leave it at that, but there is a little more to tell. I have set my table up after several months of maternity leave. It feels great to use my skills to help people move better again, and to get a break from my regular job description. Plus, the extra money isn't too bad! If you are local and know someone who could use some bodywork, then please spread the word that I'm back!
Something interesting has come up in the past week or so. My accupuncturist has asked me to work in her clinic. Not only doing massage, but helping teach Tai Chi. The hard part is that I don't want to HAVE to work. I love to work, but have somehow graduated from being tied to employment, and that has been a long and painful process that I don't want to have to repeat. I am willing to work for her an evening and a Saturday morning each week, but she is offering several types of business opportunities through her clinic. I think it will be tricky for me to figure out how to just extract from the situation the parts that will help me most and say no to all of the other seemingly wonderful opportunities being offered. If you didn't know already, I am NOT very good at doing that!
As genuinely thankful I am that I am able to stay home with Amelia full-time, it feels incredibly good to me to switch gears now and then. If you think of it, please pray for wisdom and discipline on my part as I test these waters.

A Reflection on Childhood Passions and Kudos to Mom.

The other day, I was laughing at all of the flower arrangements we have in our home. Six at the moment. Two are from the farmer's market, and four are from the yard. It seemed so ridiculous to me, but it makes my heart so glad to see all of the flowers, and to have the luxury of being able to buy them each week at the market, and to have them in our yard. It brought back memories of being ten to twelve years old in Gingoog. I used to gather flowers around the yard for arrangements in our house. My mom noticed this, and made me Officially in Charge of flowers in our home. We procured a flower suki (vendor you have an exclusive or favored relationship with) that would come to our house every week, and I got to take our money and buy whichever blooms I liked and then put them together inside. I felt so important, and my mom really affirmed my creativity and eye for beauty, not to mention humoring this indulgence each week.

A couple of other passions I had during those years also came to mind. I loved animals and really really wanted to have a goat. So I saved my allowance and was approved to buy one. I took care of her devotedly, and she was so much fun! She had two kids ever six months, and although we sold them, the money was mine to keep! My mom even helped me manage this small business remotely for a couple of years when I was at school. I still think of Oreo so fondly.

Cooking was my other great love, and I remember as a nine year old, being allowed to cook my own meat "Japanese" style in the kitchen with our helpers when I had a friend over to eat sitting on the floor with chopsticks made from skewers. Mom was always game for letting me cook just about anything, provided that I read the recipe three times and get out ALL the ingredients I needed first (after a few crises.) In sixth and seventh grade, I spent a lot of time at our landlady Mrs. E's house. Her side business was baking, and she taught me how to bake and ice cakes (think big Mexican birthday cakes,) including making icing flowers on a toothpick. I began baking really fudgy cakes that you can't find in our town, and found a regular buyer for my cakes (we're talking one per week-- nothing too ambitious!) I sat down with my parents and figured out how much the ingredients for each cake would cost, including gas for the stove to bake them, then paid them their expense and pocketed a pretty decent amount of money. And a great lesson in math and business.

I was pleased to realize that my love for homemaking, animals and cooking were there from childhood, and had been nurtured in me. I take so much pleasure in these things now (although I am having to wait on the goat purchase at this point) and I am so thankful to my mom for recognizing and reinforcing these passions. She had such a "yes" spirit about the things I was interested in, and that is something I really want to do for my kids. Thanks Mom!

Amelia moves out...

Amelia was sleeping in bed with me for a while, and Jeff was on the couch. Obviously a less than desireable setup for us. Amelia thought it was pretty great while it lasted though. We made her a crib and I made a special sleeping blanket, and we are all working hard on sleep patterns. It is so fun to sew stuff for her, even if she can't appreciate it yet. I will have to put pictures of her room in her baby book so she can see what a sweet little place she had during her first year of life...
And we are all getting more sleep!

Some News.
The first announcement is that Amelia is doing well with her weight gain. We found out on Thursday that she has put on over a pound in the past two weeks. Pediatrician is happy, and we are relieved. I am putting a few pictures to confirm that she is chubby and rosy.
I love those rolls!

Look at how rosy her cheeks are!

Now that she is four months, she is indulging in an egg yolk every day. This picture was taken after her first couple "bites." We have moved the egg eating to right before bathtime.


Although she may be chunking up, she is still a shrimp compared to her 7 week old friend James....


There is more to tell, but I will make it another post soon.

Coming soon... A chubbier, happier baby!

Last Thursday, I took Amelia to her pediatrician for a routine visit, and found out that she is quite undernourished. The doctor was pretty concerned and told me that my breast milk quality was not good enough. I had been nursing her ever 1-2 hours, but she is still only 10 lbs. 13 oz. That was discouraging. He told me I need to start supplementing with formula after nursing her, and that I must come back for a weight check in two weeks. The can of formula he handed me was 42% corn syrup solids (!!!) I am now making my own formula each day at home, and with a little flavor tweeking, Amelia is drinking down quite a bit and spends less time crying and chewing on her hand. I am really really hoping this will help with her sleep issues!

I took this picture of her when she should be napping. It was a fun way to deal with my exasperation after several hours of trying to get her to go down for a nap! I also took her to a chiropractor, and the next day she was unusually mellow and content. She has actually put herself to sleep a few times since supplementing and adjusting. While this is a tough adjustment time for all of us, we are excited to think that Amelia could end up happier and quieter. I get so excited just thinking about it.

Photo Update
So Amelia is getting better and better with neck control. She can almost sit in a bumbo chair independently. Anders and Gretchen came over, and this adorable little flapper hat is a gift from them.

It's so fun to get the babies together. They noticed each other some, but were of course much more interested in what the mommas were doing.

We had a wonderful time in Michigan with ALL of my siblings, their spouses and kids. It felt pretty amazing to be together like that. At one point, I believe there were 19 of us staying at D & Bs' place!

We have surprisingly few "family" pictures of the three of us, so I am happy to show this one.

I can't believe how different Amelia is looking these days, especially in this picture. Little girl on the way, better enjoy the baby! All of these photos are courtesy of brother Daniel-- thank you!

That last picture of Amelia (with me) wasn't so great, so I owe it to her to put this one up. I took it today. Isn't she wonderful?

Just the two of us...

So Jeff is back at work now, and Amelia and I are finding and settling into our own routine. I was really dreading Jeff's absence during the week, but it has been better than expected. Amelia is a pretty regular napper, so I am able to get a lot done, and sometimes join her. Also, we have moved the daily walk to first thing in the morning since she often doesn't go back to sleep after Jeff gets up at six-- might as well get moving! She is increasingly playful and is such a delight to be with. I'll post more pictures and details later, but wanted to give you an update.

Hurray!!

Amelia has begun smiling sweetly and sincerely. It is so fun, and makes parenting FEEL so much more rewarding! Somehow I am relieved to see that she can enjoy life and be happy sometimes, and that we can actually cause her to smile... She even makes some sweet noises now and then. I know that this is just the beginning in terms of interaction and delight, and I am so thankful, since she has had a rough go of it adjusting to life in the world so far. She is two months old today!

Jeff Turns "Almost Thirty."



We had a big birthday party yesterday in our back yard to celebrate Jeff. We barbecued burgers, ate cake and played Catch Phrase. It was a lot of fun! So many people love Jeff, but I was the most excited to celebrate his presence in my life. Don't you love his new look?

Picture Update

Lifestyle.

It's Wear Your Baby to Work Day around here every day. Except for the backache, I love wearing Amelia around in a sling. It's supposed to help her set appropriate sleep and wake cycles, and keep her calm. It's the perfect solution for soothing her AND getting housework done, as well as putting her to sleep in the evening.
Whenever the question about which animal I thought I most closely resembled has come around, I have always thought of the kangaroo-- nurturing but a little aggressive (I WILL box you down!) Anyway, I like having a little joey snug in my "pocket."